The Emotional Impact of Caregiving
Seven million family members spend part of the day taking care of disabled older people. Each caregiver's situation is unique but one thing that is true for all families is they are all experiencing feelings. In the day-to-day struggle to get older people's needs met, we often don't take the time to check out our feelings. When we do, we are not always happy to admit what is going on in our emotional life.
Please think back to the last time you were a caregiver. How did you feel? Caregivers identify love, tenderness, generosity, and concern as emotions that are comfortable to them. The flip side of these feelings are anger, resentment, helplessness, and guilt which also occur when helping older people. These emotions make us uncomfortable. We are reluctant to admit uncomfortable feelings because in our culture some feelings are not okay. When you ask someone how they are, do you really want them to say "I'm sad" or "I'm angry." Generally we are expecting people to say they are fine. If they are not, we try to cheer them.
What if we accepted the idea that feelings are neither good nor bad -- they just are? We all have a whole range of emotions which is okay. In fact, it is what makes each of us human. And what if we could all agree that we had a right to our feelings and that the people we care for have a right to their emotions? After all, feelings are not dangerous. The actions we take when we have feelings can be dangerous but not the emotions. In fact, it may be dangerous to suppress our feelings rather than to admit them-- at least to ourselves. Denying emotions often leads to physical illness or burnout. Denying a feeling does not make it go away. It always pops up again in ways we may not like. We may be angry at the person we care for but take it out on a spouse or our boss.
Set Limits
Realize that negative emotions are created when you expect more from yourself than is reasonable. For example, look at your situation and avoid comparisons. Your mother may have taken her parents into her home and cared for them, but she may not have worked outside the home. Identify what you can do and arrange for other family or professional helpers to do the rest.
Start Planning Early
Don't wait until you're exhausted to look for other resources to help you. Expect a crisis may occur and know the alternatives for help.
Get Support
Find an outlet to discharge your emotions. This could be a person or group who will let you say what you're feeling and not judge you.
Accept The Things You Cannot Change
As the Serenity Prayer says, some things are out of our control. We can't make our family members young again and we can't always cure their disease. There is a potential for change at every stage of the life cycle but it's doubtful that our elderly can make major personality shifts. Are we struggling with an impossible task? Maybe coping with "what is" is a better choice.
Don't Be Overly Protective
The people we take care of, by and large, want to do things for themselves as long as they can. Make decisions with them and not for them. Remember each caregiver brings their individual capabilities and feelings to the required task. Give yourself permission to look at your own health, finances, and stress before deciding what you can give to caregiving. If you choose to proceed, and it is a choice, expect to have emotions that you need to work through, either alone or with others. When we're able to do this we'll feel good for fulfilling a commitment to ourselves and to our loved ones.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
