"Do I Act?...or Do I Wait?"
"One of the hardest things to do is to wait and watch for a crisis, but it is the only way to deal respectfully with a competent adult."
When our loved one is competent but makes a poor decision, all we can do is offer advice as lovingly and persuasively as possible, and then allow some time for the person to think it over. If our suggestions are rejected, we can ask another relative, minister, neighbor, or social worker to talk to the individual, because sometimes a person may be "deaf" to suggestions made by family members, but willing to listen to an outsider. In some cases, it may be best to bow out and let someone who is neutral act as an advocate. Finally, if these approaches are not successful, we must back off. We can wait for the older person to change their mind, or for a crisis to occur that will force the issue. One of the hardest things to do is to wait and watch for a crisis, but it is the only way to deal respectfully with a competent adult.
What if a decision your loved one makes endangers them, someone else, or the larger community? For example, continuing to drive when no longer capable, or forgetting to turn off the stove and possibly starting a fire. At this point, your role has to change from advocate to decision-maker because you have to be responsible for ensuring the safety of your loved one. When you have to limit a person's personal freedoms for safety reasons, it is helpful to offer other options, such as making new transportation arrangements when it becomes necessary for mom to park the car for good.
Many of us have a tendency to assume too much control over our loved one's life. We may see them as frail, failing, and increasingly in need of our help. We then feel compelled to assume responsibility for him/her. We need to examine why we do this. Is it because the older person wants it, because we think it would improve their quality of life, because it is painful to see our loved one's abilities decline, or is it possibly because it is more efficient for us to take over completely rather than allow them to continue to participate in a limited way. The danger here is that by taking over everything, we may erode their self esteem and make them feel they are no longer capable of making any decisions. Taking away control deprives the older person of their humanity. The other risk is that your over involvement as a caregiver can lead to burn out and resentment.
Be aware that ethical dilemmas involving your loved one's rights and values may occur. There are not always clear cut answers. These issues often cause caregivers to have feelings of frustration and emotional turmoil. You may continually ask the question, "Was this the right thing to do? ... Is it right for the person, for me, for the community?" The important thing to keep in mind is to allow your loved one to keep control of their life as long as they are able.
Written by the Lincoln LIFE Office
