You Never Win an Argument with an AD (Alzheimer's Disease) Patient

Have you ever said…
"I've told her not to put things in the trash can, but she doesn't listen."

"He tells me that he wants to go home. This is his home. We've lived here for 35 years. He gets mad at me when I tell him this is home."

"I get frustrated when Mom asks me what day it is. I start to lose my patience when I answer her for the fifth time."
These common phrases are repeated daily by Alzheimer caregivers. Families have a hard time accepting changes in communication with this illness. It is also hard to let go of old habits like arguing or reasoning with your spouse, parent or friend who does not understand what you say.

Remember to…

  • Keep in mind that brain changes cause communication problems and irrational behavior. Your loved one is not behaving this way to annoy or irritate you. In fact, he is probably not aware of the impact of his actions.
  • Realize you don't always have to be right. For instance, you will never "teach" your mother not to hide things in the wastebaskets. Instead, your family will learn to accept this behavior and check the wastebaskets before emptying them. Pick your battles before you start an argument.
  • Don't try to reason with the person. The woman whose husband wanted to go home only frustrated both of them when she tried to explain that they were home. She learned to walk with her husband to the corner and return home. When her husband entered the house, he felt like he was home. It may be necessary to make our loved one's realities conform to ours.
  • Distract the AD (Alzheimer's Disease) person instead of confronting him. Perhaps you have hidden the keys to the car, and Dad wants them. Instead of explaining why it isn't a good idea for him to drive, suggest that you'll help him. "I'll help you look for those keys, but first let's sort these clothes. We really need to get this done." Wait for an opportunity to redirect Dad without pushing his concerns aside.
  • Be prepared to repeat yourself. When Mom asks a question over and over again, you will have to repeat the answer because of her lack of short-term memory. However, this can also work to your advantage. Distract Mom by offering her some ice cream and directing the conversation another way, or write the answer on a card or message pad.
Courtesy of the Greater San Francisco Bay Chapter

Compiled by the Lincoln/Greater Nebraska Chapter of the Alzheimer's Association, 1999.

For further information about Alzheimer's Disease or related disorders, contact the Alzheimer's Association at: